Saturday, May 01, 2010

Not Working....

This is so depressing. I have to resist the urge to destroy my routine, stop getting sleep, and be totally unproductive...to stay up late...even to drink! I can't leave Lucas in his father's loving but incapable care. He's growing up and needs stimulation and also, hygiene in the morning, neither of which Daddy is willing to provide without lots of guidance and prodding.

The point is that something bad has happened to me...my teaching contract hasn't been renewed. In hindsight, it had to be this way. Well, at least, one could easily have predicted it would be this way. My boss, who has many human traits, did reveal, in a kind of postmortem...."I knew, but I couldn't tell you." In retrospect, I see she has known for a very long time, longer than her innocent comment indicated, because she had long stopped asking me to attend the gifted ed pow-wow in CT which she had been touting in the beginning. (Good...I didn't know how I was going to pull that off with a one year old, anyway.) In the beginning, she put so much faith in me, but after just a couple of short weeks, she had left me almost entirely to my own devices. She revealed that her "outside evaluator of the program" had made the cold calculation that I didn't have enough experience in the field to be the optimal permanent candidate (which is probably true.) I was hired mid-year in a desperate attempt to fill a vacant position for which those with gifted qualifications were simply not applying. (Apparently, there were two women with small children who DID have gifted qualifications, but because they only wanted part-time hours, they were turned down. I guess what happened is I just kept the seat warm for one of them, while my own child suffered :( She also said she needs someone with more "expertise in math and science because that is the direction this position is headed in." I don't believe I was fired or terminated for cause, but it's true I've been sometimes very depressed about the direction of my job, which probably has showed. I used the postmortem discussion as a self-proclaimed "venting session," to complain about how hard it's been to coordinate with other teachers due to their own unwillingness or inability to hand me a lesson plan. Moreover, I've been depressed about not getting enough time with Lucas, about his development without me. I have also become addicted to my measly paycheck, and come to believe I need this stupid paycheck, even though it is clear that I cannot live on it, anyway. Finally, my ears have at long last become inured to the yelling of inordinately noisy middle schoolers (I mean, I have been sufficiently deafened to get through the day with eighth graders yelling in my ear), and I have come to believe that I actually enjoy the adventure of having hundreds of them around daily...well, students and other teachers (my neighbors.) I actually like the work, when I don't have to worry about Lucas (or self-flagellate for ignoring him), or worry about whether or not I am being negatively evaluated because of the absence of any feedback.

I was composed during the meeting about not renewing my contract with my supervisor and the principal of the school, but when my supervisor (whom I rarely ever even see anymore) and I returned upstairs to the lair where I conduct my business, I exploded with blubbering. She has always been a sweet and sympathetic ear when it comes to personal issues...at least, when she is not putting on the facade...

Boy, does this really ruin my spring break. For one thing, I might have justified spending money to actually go someplace before, if even to Massachusetts or North Carolina by car. But now, even the gas and the Hotwire hotel are going to be expenses I simply can't pay. Also, since Tom won't want to go, it will be tough by myself with Lucas, or worse yet, with my mother and Lucas (she wouldn't go, though.)

Tom will have to start paying for things again, by the way. I wonder what his job prospects are, really... especially when he is too depressed and unwilling to look!

Man, you know I really am getting depressed when I randomly google the string of name on my student's email address and come up with her myspace page, where she lies and says she is 19 years old. She's really 13. Ugh. What is life coming to?

Is it worth it to have "a life", i.e. a job and pseudo-purpose, if it is so clearly temporary and meaningless??? What is the point of considering a new way of existence, no matter how tempting, such as becoming a "gifted educator"? My supervisor/boss actually put the crux of it really succinctly when she stood in my doorway (for all around to hear) saying, "Boy, sometimes life just opens doors for you....and them slams them in your face!" (Was this meant to be comforting?)

I'm really crying over the job market for teachers as much as anything else. I am "damaged goods" and have been for a few years. What's more, new teachers are graduating with new requirements...ALL NEW teachers in Pennsylvania are now required to have special education certification, according to my supervisor yesterday.

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